Nobody’s Home!

O most blessed Light divine

Shine within these hearts of yours

And our inmost being fill

Do I not sometimes see God’s light rushing toward me, and as soon as I notice it coming, I take cover? Alert! Alert! Put on my armor, crouch in the corner, hide behind my shield, close my eyes. Maybe it won’t see me… It’ll deflect. I peak out. Ok, it seems safe to come out…

Oh why do I hide from you, O most blessed Light divine? Could it be because your Light burns me? It makes me painfully aware of my sins, of my imperfections, of my shortcomings, of my temptations… It exposes me.

Could it be because encountering your light would require a conversion in me? I don’t want to convert this part of my heart! It’s too hard. Lord, do not shine your light on my attachments. I’m scared I won’t be able to let go of them, and it hurts too much for you to put your finger right on them. Please, o blessed Light, do not shine on that part of my heart…

Could it be because I feel shame? Lord, do not shine your light there. I am not lovable there. I am rejected there. I cannot bear to feel your rejection, too… Or am I afraid that someone will actually love that part of me? I do not know how to relate with someone who loves the unlovable parts of me. Lord, it’s better not to love me there, because if you do, I just might break down in tears. And I don’t have time for that…

O most blessed Light divine, perhaps you can try coming again some other time. I’m sorry, but I just can’t right now.

My child, my light does not come and go. It always surrounds you. How can you say, “Come back some other time?” My light takes many forms. Perhaps that is why you do not always see it. My light surrounds you. My light penetrates you. Please, o beautiful soul, let down your walls. Your walls are so weak, I could tear them down in a heartbeat and invade your heart. But I will wait for you to say, “Come!”. O beloved child, just say “Come”, and my Light which always surrounds and protects you will pour deeply into your being and give you my Peace. Yes, o beautiful soul, you know you want my Peace. You know you need my Peace. Just say, “Come…”

Perhaps we can take inspiration from St. Augustine. He spent much of his life running away from God, until one day, when he finally surrendered himself to God’s unshakable love. This is how he describes his experience:

“Late have I loved you, O Beauty ever ancient, ever new, late have I loved you! You were within me, but I was outside, and it was there that I searched for you. In my unloveliness I plunged into the lovely things which you created. You were with me, but I was not with you. Created things kept me from you; yet if they had not been in you they would have not been at all. You called, you shouted, and you broke through my deafness. You flashed, you shone, and you dispelled my blindness. You breathed your fragrance on me; I drew in breath and now I pant for you. I have tasted you, now I hunger and thirst for more. You touched me, and I burned for your peace.

O most blessed Light divine, please do not be discouraged by my hiding. I am putting down my shield. I am taking off my armor. I am falling to my knees and opening up my hands in front of me as a gesture of welcome. I surrender to your Love. I open myself to receive your Light, which is the Light of my soul. I am not afraid. Come!

Suggested Concrete Resolution:

I will close my eyes and imagine myself in the scene described in this reflection. I will try to name those obstacles which create a wall in my heart to block out the Lord’s light. I will then imagine myself letting go of these obstacles and inviting the Lord to penetrate me and shed his Light in every part of me, purifying me by his Love.

This month’s meditation is by Alexa Vanlerberg, one of our AVI women in formation.

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